The Marriage of Personal Agency and Fate

I’ve always been interested in marriage between individual responsibility and the guiding hand of Fate. I had a beautiful experience this morning that reminded me where these two merge.

I was in the cold plunge when a tiny bug – looked like a bright red firefly – flew into the water. He appeared to be struggling. I scooped him up, and as the water fell through my fingers, he climbed to the top of my thumb.

He opened his wings as if to fly, but was unable.

I sat in the water, holding him up, and marveled at this little creature. As if he was thawing out, he began to move around a bit more, periodically stretching his wings.

He then stood up on two legs and stretched his wings fully opened, and there he sat in the sun drying off. As seconds passed that felt like weeks, he sat there with complete stillness. Then, in a moment of triumph, he took glorious flight.

Now, I’m not sure what to make of what followed, as he flew in a few circles before colliding into my sauna and crashing to the ground. Let’s ignore that part for a moment.

What left an impression on me was everything that preceded. The fly did his part – regathering its composure, drying off his wings, and took the daring flight back into the air. I watched his great struggle, his personal agency.

And I couldn’t help feel a kinship with this creature. We were both small, both simple, both just trying to find our version of flight. There was an a manifestation of will in the act of movement. But where I felt most connected to this creature, was not in charting one’s course, but in the hand which supported it.

He did his part, no doubt. But none of that was possible without the hand that lifted him out of the water. And as he sat there thawing, anticipating flight, I couldn’t help but recognize that such a hand holds me up.

This has come in many forms – both seen and unseen. My parents have held me up. My society has held me up. Our social customs and norms have held me up. Surgeons have held me up. My beautiful wife has held me up.

But there has also been the unseen hand, looming large in the background (and foreground) of all my life experiences.

The healing wisdom of the body. The collective unconscious of the psyche. Divine intervention, of which I imagine I have been mostly unaware.

I spend a lot of time focusing on individual responsibility, on what I can do to improve my lot in life. Today reminded me that, while that is a pertinent aspect of my experience, I’ve neglected to focus on the hand that upholds me while I engage in such toil.

This week I merely suggest that while you engage in your endeavors, small and big, simple and great, continue to focus on your agency to do so. And while you are doing that, try directing your attention to the great hand holding you up that allows you to do so.

In my own life, I have a pretty good understanding of myself, the fly. That great hand, however, remains the ultimate mystery. I seek to know that hand, and if such understanding is not possible, I’ll settle for gratitude.

Your friend,
Chris